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Soccer) You have a bunch of guys running back and forth over a field that’s apparently about 2 miles long. Occasionally one guy will actually kick it toward the little goal, but that usually amounts to nothing. When a ball actually goes in the goal you weren’t watching because you got so bored you were checking Twitter instead. Sometimes the game ends in a tie, which is hardly an end. If you’re actually at a game you may get shot or mauled or trampled, but probably not in the US because there will only be 12 other people there.

Baseball) A game I can kind of get into because I like to relax. It’s a game of going to the ballpark, eating 3 expensive hotdogs, and then leaning back and enjoying the breeze. You can easily keep a lazy eye on the “action”, mostly to be sure that a 300 mph baseball isn’t coming to break your head. I’ve actually read The Thinking Fans Guide To Baseball and I recommend it. You learn what’s really going on down there on the field and it becomes quite a bit more interesting. Almost up to the level of watching a Gilligan’s Island repeat for the 5th time. If you’re into math and statistics you can get overly excitied keeping score on your own cryptic scoresheet. Baseball is not something you can watch on TV, but you can put it on in the background like elevator musak. MLB knows the sport is not exciting because they make a compact version of the game available on video after it’s over. It takes less than 10 minutes to watch the entire game and this is the way to go if for some reason you really give a hoot after you already know how it ended.

Basketball) 10 tall guys running back and forth for a while. You can’t identify with them at all because they’re freaky tall, so there’s none of that “I could play this game if I wanted to” element. Sometimes one team totally dominates the other. This is not exciting unless you have a bet placed or you feel some strong affinity for them representing whatever they represent. In the case where the teams match up better, the score just stays close up until the last 5 minutes of the game, which then takes about 3 weeks to finish. Lots of “he slapped me on purpose!” and “I’m going to adjust my shorts for a while while he stands perfectly still to shoot the ball at the basket with absolutely no one making it a challenge.” In the NBA version of the game there seems to be a lot of walking around contemplating how much their next gold chain might cost or if maybe they can get their crib featured on MTV again or if Madonna might be available for “dinner”. They do this while one guy basically shoots a basket from midfield with little challenge so they can then let the other team have their turn. In the NCAA it’s a little more exciting because only about 3 guys usually seem to know what they’re supposed to be doing and the rest are running into each other a lot.

Football) Nothing like taking 3 hours to watch approximately 11 minutes of action. But unlike baseball, the action in this case involves 500 pound men snapping skinny fast guys in half, so it’s a little more exciting. Unwatchable at a stadium because you’ll basically see 22 guys suddenly spring into action, have trouble knowing exactly where the ball is, and then have no clue why one guy is now spread out on the field in 3 pieces while one ref is throwing the signal for touchdown and another is busy throwing a yellow flag in someone’s eye. Watching at home they’ll attempt to explain this to you, and even though it’s in a language that sounds like English but isn’t, you’ll at least feel like you’re getting somewhere because you can see the man on the field break into the 3 pieces in slow motion over and over again. Occasionally you’ll get lucky and there’ll be a game that’s not played in a closed building and they’ll have rain, or better yet, snow to contend with. More carnage will ensue. This is a sport where you can actually identify with a spectacular catch because we all have at least once in our lives tried to catch something. We can’t fathom how anyone can accurately throw something shaped so un-ball-like, but we won’t admit that out loud. There’s also a long halftime where you can do your best to get rid of the 12 pounds of nachos you just ate.

nascar) Guys drive in circles in cars that are supposed to be “stock” but are nothing like I’ve ever seen in a showroom. Don’t know how long it lasts because I never made it more than 2 laps.

Thank goodness my success with Amazon Kindle books is much better.